1. Pour a little cool or room temperature water into the palm of your hand, rub your hands together and scrunch your hair with your hands.

2. To make like a lizard, roll up your tie and scrunch it into your mouth, then spit it out at passing flies.

3. Hmmm, OK, he‘s just warming up before the dirty ones. ‘Sarah, what is Anthony‘s favourite film?‘ Again, clearly a precursor to something filthy. ‘Does she fold or scrunch her toilet paper?‘ Well, dirty, I suppose, not very sexy. ‘That‘s it!

4. We all nodded. ‘We all know how it sticks to everything, except what you want it to stick to. ‘We all further know that, most particularly, it will stick so spitefully to itself that you have to scrunch that sheet into a tight ball and toss it in the bin, so you can start with a fresh sheet that will stick to itself and have to be thrown in the bin. ‘This can go right on to the end of the roll which, ladies, does make you think: all things considered, what is the point of clingfilm, beyond a great deal of scrunching and bad–temperedness?‘ ‘Here, here,‘ we all chorused. ‘And we all know about tinfoil, too,‘ she added. ‘How, if you get a little nick in it, it‘ll come off in little slivers that are no use at all.